I’ve been blessed to have had a few amazing sexual partners in my life, as I’ve entered my 50s though i feel God has had another plan for a bit, and who knows how long that will last.. possibly that explicit expression is done for me (although i sincerely doubt it) like my mother who stopped all together at this same time. I mention this because we live in a culture that seems obsessed by outward appearance wherein sexuality is very much a part of it. So how do I now function with my sexuality in tact and not be expressing it in a relationship? This has been much of my journey for the past 4 years. I’ll be honest at first I resisted a lot, and I still have periods where I just feel left out, much like a physically handicapped person has to deal with in their life. Now i’m not handicapped but I’ve desired to lead a more God honoring, Body as a Temple existence.. although I feel i’ve had to learn more about how to address the dishonoring i’ve done in the past. Now I don’t feel judged, but like Jesus and the women caught in adultery being stoned.. like i’m being told to “go sin no more..”
So again how does one move forward realistically with their “sexuality” while coming to the realization that it’s actually something deeper that we need to find. It’s this depth that i’ve been researching these past few years and feel we need to see as a culture as well. In the east they call it Tantra, which just means “technology” or skill. Their image for it is a Snake that is overlaid on the spine called Kundalini. The bases of the neck and the bottom contain the polarities of “energy” that is contained within it.
It is is interesting how much our sexual prowess is covered in our confidence or lack their of.. what we say when a person has no spine. There is of course much more to it than that, much like the difference between overcompensation and true confidence. One merely feels a certain lack and so attempts a bravado that they’re able to keep up or not. The other is finding ways to come from an authenticity of character or work through their lack to a better place of substance.
As to sexuality there are many permutations that others don’t probably think about with what leads up to and involved in this rather simple act. The creativity, poise, grace, strength and vulnerability make this all an ideal landscape of self to find and extend expression. Through it many find a type of healing even, so how is this expression carried out if you are without a partner or your physicality doesn’t permit right now because of illness or other reasons. Even in self-pleasure there can be aspects of this strength but why stop there. Every limitation is a way to channel things in different and possibly better ways right? At least that’s what ancient wise people said.
The author Thomas Moore posits in the Enchantment of Everyday Life that sexualities erotic intelligence can enliven our activities with a sudden burst of insight and flow that we previously didn’t know. Here we’re not fantasizing but living out of an untapped energy flow that we innately have. A flower, an ocean view, the symmetry of a building or person. The way we pay attention to gesture and synchronize our responses to dance with another.
The greatest three gifts my past lovers have given me are the gifts of precipice, pause, and lingering. I now can find these same things as dispositions within so many other situations that vivify not just my mental apparatus but mine and others bodies. It is at once something sexual but beyond it touching as if the sacred not in it’s quantative sense but certainly in quality of being and presence.
Waiting or as it’s often called now, giving space, allows for an expansion of consideration of motive and outcome in the circumstances of our existence. Deliberate cessation especially when imbued in the moment with extra meaning or flow can help better things to arise in subsequent times. These first two take a series of detachments of identity with outcome or preconceived rights but give way to increased meaning and learning of truer aspiration i’ve noticed.
Lingering is to me one of the lost arts of sexuality in our self absorbed and distracted world view. Just as the hand can lightly trace over the naked body a mind can give attention to the rawness of “being lost” in a place with a person or event. To too many impatience, irritability, even anger express at times where a more lingering attitude could bring about a different solution that could be seen as more desirable.
In summary sexuality is a great gift, but the erotic intelligence underlying it’s better ideas and expression can inform our days with a freshness that far exceeds the momentary dopamine rushes our bodies get tied to. Many will state to simply stop our addictions to the superficial for a month will mitigate the years of karmic consequences held in our bodies. As if this were very often possible, instead i feel it’s the feeling through our reasons and crowding out our less skilled selves to find all the hidden dimensions of expression that are there for our being in the moments we are confronted with now and now and now. This is what makes the rather constricted views of sexuality and it’s problems melt away, living more fully.